Self-esteem is incredibly important. In fact, I think it is so
important that I am going to say that again. Self-esteem is
incredibly important. Many people have the notion that it is the
same as self-confidence; however it is far more than just
self-confidence. If we look further into the origins of the word
esteem itself, as we look etymologically, it comes from the word
estimate, which literally means ‘to put a value on.’ As you might
guess, this word shares the same root as the word ‘estimate.’
Therefore, we can see that self-esteem, really does just mean; the
value we put on ourselves.
Now then, what are the key components of self-esteem? When someone
has high self-esteem, they have a genuine, deep rooted sense of
self; they actually like (and often love) themselves; they can and
do recognise and be in control of their internal state; and they
have a sound sense of purpose, or rather they act and behave with
purpose. These are not magical gifts that we were given at birth, oh
no. One of the key concepts in many of my self-improvement or change
programmes or writings is a presupposition of neuro linguistic
programming (NLP) and that is: what others do, you can learn. So
that is where I am going to start here, by indicating and
illustrating just what it is that people with high self-esteem
actually do, I am going to break it down into easily consumable
chunks so that you can replicate them and apply them to your own
life immediately.
These things, if applied in the correct way, can
have an amazing impact on anyone’s self-esteem.
Developing Your Own Sense of Self:
Many of the individuals that I have worked with over the years tell
me that they lack self-confidence. I hear it so very often. As
mentioned previously, self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves
whereas self-confidence relates to our actions. Again, if we look at
the word ‘self-confidence’ it means to trust in ourselves, so at its
root it implies some kind of challenge or task that is to be
undertaken in some way. To be more specific, confidence usually
relates to our ability to do something or to have some kind of
competency. We are confident in our ability to do something, to
behave in a particular way in a particular situation, to take on a
particular challenge.
It has been my experience that it is almost impossible to have
self-confidence if we do not have self-esteem.
I once worked with a lady who was naturally very gifted in her
specialised field and was a legal secretary. Following her initial
training and joining a legal firm, she was recognised by the senior
partners as being intelligent, conscientious and diligent as well as
hard working. She really was an asset to the company and got on very
well with her colleagues. At the end of her first year of working
for the company, she was offered a more senior position and she was
given some additional responsibility along with a slight increase in
her salary.
Following three years in this role, the legal team office manager
role became available and as she had been as good as running the
office anyway, one of the company’s senior partners recommended that
she apply. The partner felt that she deserved the role and
encouraged her to apply. But, the lady in question was rather taken
aback by the suggestion; she did not feel qualified or competent
enough to take the role on or to even consider applying. She had
always managed to successfully find reasons for dismissing praise,
she told herself that she simply did not deserve it and that anyone
could have done what she did and that there would come a day that
one of the partners would realise that she was not that good at her
job and she would be shown for what she really was. Therefore she
just did not apply. Remarkable. What’s more, I know that you know
someone just like this.
I encounter so many people like this. So many. People that have this
low self-esteem and are not able to generalise from the obvious
successful results that they are having, or the acknowledgement they
receive. It is almost as if they don’t ‘hear’ the praise that they
are given. Because of this, the lady I mentioned earlier lacked the
confidence to apply for the promotion; and many people with low
self-esteem consistently and continually underachieve in their
lives. Most of them spend their entire lifetimes underestimating
themselves and feeling that they are not worthy.
So what we are going to do is to explore. Over the years I have
investigated those people that do have self-esteem and how they
actually think and behave. It is all about that probing question
‘How do they do that?”
When I worked at the Independent National newspaper in central
London when I was younger, the newspaper had been bought by a new
owner and was moving from where the previous owners, the Mirror
group were based, in Canary Wharf in Docklands, London, to new
premises in a slightly different part of London. A girl called
Samantha was the Managing Directors PA and rather than using a
proper project manager of some sort, the MD organised the relocation
himself with Samantha’s help.
She liked being who she was, had done well at school, this was only
her second job and she had worked up the secretarial ranks to become
the MD’s PA. She did not mind being asked to help with anything out
of the ordinary or unusual. The day before the office relocation was
due to happen, the MD was involved in a car accident and had to take
some time off due to being in hospital for a night and then off for
a period of recovery. Another director asked Samantha if she would
oversee the relocation as she had been so involved in the process.
She was very slightly apprehensive but of course agreed with no
hesitation: after all, she knew most of the arrangements that had
been made, and what’s more the MD had a mobile that she could call
if she was desperate.
Now I mention this because you can see the differences between the
two people in those examples. Not only did Samantha have a more
easygoing temperament than the lady mentioned in my first example,
she was also far more comfortable with herself and of course that
naturally meant that she could take the leap of confidence in
herself that was required for her to take on the last minute
responsibility.
Both of the women were extremely capable, however, the first
mentioned lady had a low sense of self-worth, whereas Samantha
believed in herself. So, what about you? I would like you to answer
these questions to yourself:
• Can you accept a compliment straight, without verbally or
non-verbally deflecting it and without dismissing it or having to
qualify it in your mind.
• Are you ever afraid that you may well be ‘found out’ one day?
• Can you list 5-10 things that you like about yourself without
hesitation, just doing it straight away?
• What is your reaction (internally and externally) when you are
asked to try something that you have not done before, something new?
• What do you say to yourself inside your mind when you are about to
do something that challenges you or that is difficult?
Really take some time and even consider writing down your answers,
it is always good to see this kind of information in writing as well
as it being in your mind. Then, what do your answers suggest about
you and how much you like yourself? Do you think well of yourself?
Are you happy being you? Are you critical about yourself and your
abilities? I recommend writing these down again because you can then
compare and contrast your answers when you have finished following
these techniques and strategies. So, lets move on to those
strategies and techniques.
The first of the strategies that I want to mention is: Accepting
Compliments.
Quite simply, the easiest way to accept a compliment is just by
saying “Thank You.” Not too difficult is it? Remember a compliment
that someone has paid you, however small or minor you may consider
it: imagine hearing it in your head again, play it over and over or
better still, say it out loud to yourself and then say “Thank You.”
You may want to experiment with a variety of tones of voice or
accents or mannerisms as well as different facial expressions to
find some of the ways that resonate the best with you and that seems
the most natural.
You need to push your boundaries out here and really do this.
Practice this over and over. I would recommend that you practice
this in front of a mirror too even if it does feel unusual. Then, on
the next occasion that someone gives you a compliment, because there
will be some, catch what you do, even if your old response tries to
kick in again. Even if it does, notice what you did and just offer a
“Thank You” anyway. As you keep on doing this your brain will learn
the new response and will begin doing it automatically.
Worrying about being found out:
Hmmm. Ok, ask yourself this question: what exactly is it that I do
not want other people to know? Really ask yourself that and answer
it thoroughly and precisely. The majority of people just don’t want
people to think badly of them or their abilities. This kind of worry
or fear almost always has to do with what you anticipate happening
and not what actually does happen; it tends to be removed from
reality.
So now is time for a reality check. These people that often feel
unworthy about their capabilities at work or about their
attractiveness are underestimating themselves. You should observe
the other people at your work or in your life that seem quite
contented with themselves and notice that contentment and ability
are not related. They are not correlated. At the same time, you only
have to take a good look at couples in any public place to notice
that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. It has often
helped to ask two very powerful questions here to discover other
possible reasons for your unnecessary worries:
• What stops you (feeling good about yourself)?
• What would happen if you did (feel good about yourself)?
Learning to Like You:
Ok, it is time to take out your self-esteem journal or that piece of
paper to write on again. As we touched on earlier, I would like you
to list anything you can think of that you like about yourself. It
might be the dimples in your cheeks when you smile, or the
crookedness of your teeth, or the fact that you can spell words
really easily, or that you have good morals, or that you are honest.
Absolutely anything applies here. Keep on collecting and adding to
this list. Now check this list against your logical levels exercise
that you did at the very beginning of this programme. Think about
your environment, your beliefs and values, your capabilities, your
behaviour and identity and think about your characteristics on each
level and find more and more things on many differing levels that
contribute to your own unique identity. Then keep this list
somewhere important to be able to refer to and remind yourself often
of its contents.
Doing Different Things:
Lots of us react with fright, fear and anxiety when confronted with
new things! Oh, no, a new thing! So if you do respond that way,
spell out the worst case scenarios you have in your mind. Really
spell them out, write them down if it will help. Sometimes this is
enough to make you realise that they are silly fears or maybe they
are a bit (or a lot) unlikely. I bet they are. However, if your
worst case scenario could happen, think about how it could be
managed and overcome. Take it a step further and think about someone
you know would overcome it – what exactly would they do? How would
they go about it? So, instead of letting that fear harbour itself
deep within you as if you were burying it, take it on and find and
create a strategy for dealing with it. Much more often than not at
least one of these approaches can and will defuse the anxiety. Now,
if it doesn’t, your intuition and instincts may well be right: so
don’t do it!
Communicating With You:
I have written a lot before about our internal dialogue, if you
really have too much of it and you want to use it far better, I
would recommend you read my best-selling book ‘The Secrets of
Self-Hypnosis: Harnessing the Power of Your Unconscious Mind’ or you
look through the archives of my ezine for the article that I wrote
on it before. Please remember the archive is temporary, please read
those articles before they are moved.
The point I want to make here is that if you persist on telling yourself not to make an idiot of yourself in front of others, or remembering how things went wrong the last time, or highlighting to yourself how useless you are, then that internal dialogue voice may well be contributing to your problem. In fact, I know it is!
So instead, begin to think: what would you say to someone else in
the same situation if you wanted to encourage them? Work it out and
again, write it down. How would you encourage them? Then continue to
say those things to yourself. Do this. Say those things to yourself
instead of all that other nonsense that you used to persist on
saying. Be convincing and sincere; really mean it. Now how does that
feel? To have that kind of progressive internal dialogue instead. It
can be like a breath of fresh air for your brain, you are nurturing
it. Because we engage in it so very much, each time you create some
internal dialogue the more supportive you become and this makes a
real difference to you self-esteem and your self-confidence.
Self-Esteem Telling Signals:
How can you tell if someone has self-esteem? It is so easy to tell,
though not many people actually notice. One of the surest indicators
is that people with self-esteem just do not need to prove
themselves. By that I mean that they do not need to:
• Boast.
• Put others down.
• Show off.
• Name-drop.
• Hog the limelight.
• Tell you all about themselves and their achievements.
It is often individuals who do these seemingly confident behaviours
that have quite low self-esteem.
Earlier this year, I was speaking at a large conference in Las Vegas
and over 500 people were there to listen to the team of speakers of
which I was one. The main speaker was someone I had heard of and is
very well known across the world and so I wanted to speak to them as
much as I could and glean some tips or just get to know them. I
wanted to do the same with all the speakers and as we were waiting
to go on stage, I took some time out to chat with all the speakers
and they were all nice and at ease, no-one displaying any signs of
anxiety at the prospect of speaking to this large audience. However,
I really did notice that the well known speaker asked no questions
of any of the others, in fact they did not show any interest in any
of the other speakers at all. Which surprised me a little. Instead,
the person maintained a relaxed demeanour and outward appearance but
focused all the time on them self. It was all one way and
self-centred. I suspected that they were not at all comfortable
being this well-known speaker at all. I confirmed this later on when
that person asked me if I would spend some time with them to help
coach them through some things that they wanted to deal with
following a later conversation.
People with true, genuine, real, sincere self-esteem, however well
known they are, usually display very different characteristics:
• They have a quiet confidence.
• They do not fish for compliments – but they do accept them well:
they know what they are worth.
• They may be quite humble.
• They recognise and are often interested in other people and their
achievements.
• They may not be bothered about receiving external recognition.
You can read the body language of someone with self-esteem as it
usually speaks for them. They are often physically relaxed, upright,
calm and measured in movement, they are decisive and without
hesitation and they make good eye contact freely and comfortably.
It has been my experience that despite there being so many people out there who display apparent confidence and competence, actually doubt themselves and their own abilities. (hey, you may well be one of them) I know I spent years and years showing off due to a lack of self-esteem. These days I just show off because I am childish and silly. I joke. These people though, may well stand up for others, but fail to stand up for themselves. They may well be sensitive and sympathetic – but not about their own limitations. Bear in mind that when you meet other people, whether they are dominating and outgoing or just quietly efficient, they may both have a serious lack of self-esteem.
As with so many things, as with so many areas that I work within and as we have touched on already, modelling can really help. Stop and think about people you know who have a strong sense of self: how do they behave? How do they seem to think? What is important to them? What do they believe? What tells you that they are genuinely comfortable with themselves? Trust your intuition here and make the most of your observations. Again, note this stuff down.
Imagine that you were someone else that is watching you from the outside. As you look at yourself, how could you begin incorporate what you have learnt from your self valuation and apply them to yourself. Really have a think about that.